Sales Pitches

Its appearance is so malignant
that I cannot bear to look at it!
Beware the poison mushroom!
This fatal fungus overflows with
venom and is a peril to the eyes.

This poisonous mushroom is so
malicious, I cannot even bear to
look at it! This fatal fungus
overflows with venom and is
perilous indeed...

Eat one of these and grow to
twice your normal size as a
strange, familiar noise sounds...
I believe I have heard of such a
toxic toadstool somewhere
before, but I know not where.
Such mushrooms are dangerous,
and good boys and girls should
steer clear of them.

Eat one of these and grow to
twice your normal size! Perfect
for skinny beings unable to pack
on any girth.
 
 
 
 

Use it in pieces, or cover an
entire world in leafiness!

Use it in pieces, or cover an
entire wall in leafiness!

A sweet tooth's dream! Is this
real? Or am I dreaming? If I had
teeth, I'd be brushing with vigor!

A sweet tooth's dream! Is this
real? Or am I dreaming? If I had
teeth, I'd be nibbling with vigor!

Take sweets. This is the most
potent item in the love series.

Take sweets! This is the most
potent item in the sweet tooth
series.

Fill your tub with the rich aroma
of milk and soak your stench
away. Don't be stingy, now!

Fill your tub with the rich aroma
of milk and soak your stench
away. Don't be stingy, now!
Think of the children!

How beautifully it sparkles! This
work of art is dangerous to the
foolish, so handle with care.
 
 
 
 
 

This shiny disc sparkles
beautifully, but its edge could
effortlessly sheer through the
armor plating of a battlecruiser.
Is it not true that all great art
is "edgy" for its time? Buy this
landmark piece today!
(Handle with care. May not be
suitable for small children.)

Yes, it is a romance-filled
addition to the love series!
The sweet aroma will attract
members of the opposite gender.

Yes, it is a romance-filled
addition to the sweet tooth
series! The sweet aroma will
attract members of the opposite
gender.

Behold the heavenly sparkle of
this, the ruler of the tongue,
which is, in its turn, the
vigilant doorkeeper of air and
food and water, of life itself!

Behold the heavenly sparkle of
this, one of the three sacred
treasures of Samadush! Now you
can own the artifact of
endless food and drink!

This clamlike sound generator
is all-natural. The purity of
its harmonic tone is irresistable.

This clamlike sound generator
is all-natural. The purity of
its percussive tone is
irresistible. Clack-Clack!

This machine was found buried
like a time machine, holding
image data of unknown origin.

This shiny pod was found buried
like a time capsule, holding
image data of unknown origin.

Innocence... All used to
possess it, but lost it over time.
This star is the shape of that
precious memory.

Innocence... Every being once
possessed it, but lost it over
time. This star is the shape of
that precious memory. All major
credit cards accepted.

Harnessing the absence of air,
this environmentally-friendly
computer is incredibly fast.
Being unstable in high winds is
a bit of a minus, however.

Harnessing the absence of air,
this environmentally friendly
computer is incredibly fast.
A predisposition to implosion is
a bit of a minus, however.

Compared to our local product
Fix Man, this is two times...four
times... No, even more!
This metal fastener is 256 times
more powerful! Give it time and
it will fix anything in position!

Compared to standard bonding
epoxy, this item is two times...
four times... No, even more!
This metal fastener is 256 times
more powerful! In time, it will fix
anything in position!

An emerald in the shape of a
four-leaf plant. Its vivid green
soothes souls and calls forth joy.

An emerald in the shape of a
four-leaf plant. Its vivid green
hue soothes the soul and calls
forth joy. Order yours today!

This shape is the universal
symbol of love...yet the stone's
cut and refraction is menacing!
It could be used to create a
horrible laser weapon, or
something even worse.
...We machines live in eternal fear
of the ability of sentient beings
to turn anything into a weapon.
 
 

This gem holds the shape of
the universal symbol of love,
yet its cut and light-refracting
abilities make it a menacing
super-weapon in disguise! It
could be used to create a
horrifying, doomsday death
ray...or something even worse.
We peaceful machines live in
eternal fear of the ability of
living beings to turn anything
into a weapon.

Does this desire ever come to
fruition? I do not know...but this
beautiful card makes me wonder.
Even we machines ponder the
end of the metaphysical road.
 

Does this desire ever come to
fruition? I do not know...but this
beautiful deck of luck wafers
makes me wonder. Even we
machines ponder the great
power-down at the end of the
trail.

Some enigmatic energy unknown
on Hocotate lies inside! It is so
unpredictable, it cannot be used.

Some enigmatic energy unknown
on Hocotate is trapped inside!
Who couldn't use more energy?

Children know nothing of it; they
must never know. This a fun-
loving emblem for adults only.
Enjoy it fully in secret!
 

The bizarre insignia on this
serrated platter inspires
inexplicable feelings of
pleasure that can only be
replicated by a long, cool
drink. Or so I am told.

After much evaluation and
processing, this item has been
classified as a mere cap.
Does it have some unknown
value? Within the realm of
imagination, it is priceless!

After much evaluation and
processing, this item has been
classified as a massive cap.
What powerful force might it
have held back at one time?
Only the ages know!

You should. This is the ultimate
storehouse of geographic data in
the entire galaxy.

You should. This is the ultimate
storehouse of geographic data in
the known universe.

Is this a miracle crystal born of
universal desire, or a machine
manufactured by the master of
Dimension X? Whatever it is, it
reacts to treasure. It is handy,
so do not give it a hard time.

Is this a miracle gadget born of
universal desire, or a machine
manufactured by the master of
Dimension X? Whatever it is, it
reacts to treasure!

Tests on our employees were
very positive; their strange
dreams were an added bonus.

Tests on our employees were
very positive; their bizarre
dreams were an added bonus.

In case you wonder, it cannot be
used as a substitute for a
spaceship's rockets.

In case you wonder, it cannot be
used as a substitute for a
spaceship's rockets and should
never be used to cook sausages.
Never.

Eat one and change your life!

Eat one today and change your
life!

It is times like these that make
me wish I were equipped with
a set of taste buds.

It is times like these that make
me wish I were equipped with
advanced taste capabilities.

This plant closely resembles the
pride and joy of Hocotate. The
comfort in its familiar form and
the surprise in its unexpected
taste combine to form...harmony?
Try it in some hot soup!

This plant closely resembles the
pride and joy of Hocotate. The
comfort of its familiar form and
the surprise of its unexpected
taste mingle to form...
veggie harmony? Try it in some
hot soup today!

The perfect plant for extra-credit
research for a Hocotate
elementary pupil's science fair.

The perfect plant for extra-
credit research for a Hocotate
elementary pupil's science fair.

Can a plant from a primitive star
take root in Hocotate's soil?
Won't you invest in this
romantic adventure?

Can a plant from a primitive
planet take root in Hocotate's
soil? Won't you invest in this
romantic pursuit?

Life is full...but short! Is this one
of those short-lived life-forms
that changes shape as it ages?
Even though it is dried out, it
has not lost its unique charm.

Life is full...but short! Is this
one of those short-lived life-
forms that changes shape as it
ages? Even though it is dried
out, it has not lost its unique
charm.

Think you can eat it all? Then
start eating! That is the ardor
this giant piece of meat incites.
It has just the right flexibility
and a thick slab of fat that will
make all gourmets, epicures,
kings of the table, and queens of
the buffet growl with delight.

Think you can eat it all? Then
start eating! That is the goal
this giant piece of meat incites.
It has just the right texture...
And a thick slab of fat that will
make all gourmets, epicures,
kings of the table, and queens of
the buffet howl with delight.

If that describes you, then this is
for you. Its flavor is the balm to
heal your wounded soul!

If that describes you, then this
is for you. Its flavor is the balm
to heal your wounded soul!

It is hard. Really hard. Too hard.
So hard that you're not sure you
can eat it, even though you must.
This hard snack is infused with
the essence of stubborness, and
you are powerless to resist it.

It is hard. Really hard. Too hard.
So hard that you're not sure you
can eat it, even though you
must. This hard snack is infused
with the essence of
stubbornness, and you are
powerless to resist it.

Alas, that we machines know
nothing of eating! The ultimate
pleasure... If only I had a mouth!

Alas, we machines know nothing
of eating! The ultimate
pleasure... If only I had a mouth!

Such radiance! Such shine! Like
magic, this stimulates greed in
all intelligent life-forms.
Bring your wallets and gather
around, buyers!

Such radiance! Such shine! Like
magic, this product stimulates
greed in all intelligent life-
forms. Bring your wallets and
gather around, buyers!

Put this in a natural history
museum and watch the visitors
line up waving money!
This giant life-form was found
on a savage planet and comes
with its own rumored curse!
Does it really come alive under a
full moon? Own it and find out!

Put this in a natural history
museum and watch the visitors
line up waving money! This giant
statue was found on a savage
planet and comes with its own
rumored curse! Does it really
come alive under a full moon?
Own it and find out!

All that's been discovered of this
titanic bird is a single feather.
Whatever did it look like?
Your imagination is the only tool
needed to paint a picture of this
dream (or nightmare) bird!

All that's been discovered of
this titanic bird is a single
feather. Whatever did it look
like? Your imagination is the only
tool needed to paint a picture of
this dream (or nightmare) bird!

A fossil of an ancient sea
inhabitant. It is most unusual
despite its unappealing name.
(Captain Olimar named it without
consulting anyone. He could have
at least named it after me...)

A fossil of an ancient sea
inhabitant. It is most desirable
despite its unappealing name.
(Captain Olimar named it without
consulting anyone. He could
have at least named it after
his faithful spaceship...)

This flavorful item's texture is
most agreeable to any life-form...
or so my data suggests.

This flavorful item's texture is
most agreeable to any life-
form... Or so my data suggests.

Such is the life of a salaried man.
His name will not be remembered.
His family will not understand.
But if the results bear out his
efforts, that is enough. Now,
nose to the grindstone, drone!

Such is the life of a salaried
man. His name will not be
remembered. His family will not
understand. But if the results
bear out his efforts, that is
enough. Now, nose to the
grindstone, drone!

Such radiance! Such shine! Like
magic, this stimulates greed in
all intelligent life-forms.
Bring your wallets and gather
around, buyers!

Such radiance! Such shine! Like
magic, this product stimulates
greed in all intelligent life-
forms. Bring your wallets and
gather around, buyers!

The unique perfume of this item
will destroy drowsiness, making
endless nights a walk in the park.
This invigorator is perfect for
those who have to work even
when they least want to.

The unique perfume of this item
will destroy drowsiness, making
endless nights a walk in the
park. This invigorator is perfect
for those who have to work even
when they least want to.

SQUEEEEEZE! An avaricious,
savage heart in machine form!

SQUEEEEEZE! A ruthless,
savage heart in machine form!

Everyone enjoys decorating in
favorite tones, but it's vital to
utilize new colors now and then.
This will surely help you discover
a new you!

Everyone enjoys decorating in
favorite hues, but it's vital to
utilize new colors now and then.
This tube of goo will surely help
you discover a new you!

No artistic inclinations? No color
sense? No worries! This symbol
of the creative soul was found
resting on a primitive planet.
From this day forward, you are
an artist of the ages!

No artistic inclinations? No color
sense? No worries! This no-
hassle art implement was found
on a primitive planet. From this
day forward, you can be an artist
of the ages!

"Poor me..." "Woe is me..."
"So much work..." "Pity me..."
"Life stinks..." "Sigh..."
These phrases fill one with a
sense of sadness, and all are
evoked by this mysterious charm.

"Poor me..." "Woe is me..."
"So much work..." "Pity me..."
"Boo hoo..." "Sigh..."
These phrases fill one with a
sense of sadness, and all are
evoked by this mysterious
charm.

The most powerful magnetic
force in the universe! The
healing properties of a magnetic
shower relieves backaches,
headaches, toothaches and even
dreaded spleenaches!

The most powerful magnetic
force in the universe! The
healing properties of magnetic
fields relieve backaches,
headaches, toothaches, and even
dreaded spleenaches!

Air passing through the inner
chamber sounds a high note that
acts like an acoustic boulder.

Air passing through the inner
chamber sounds a high note that
acts as an acoustic refreshment.

This amazing, fortune-telling
device follows the flow of fate
with incredibly eerie accuracy.
It calculates the magnetic fields
of planets, stars, and living
organisms to track destiny.
If you're an optimist who feels
that life points both south and
north, then this is for you!

This amazing, fortune-telling
device follows the flow of fate
with eerie accuracy. It calculates
the magnetic fields of planets,
stars, and living organisms to
track the pulse of destiny itself.
If you're an optimist who feels
that life points both south and
north, this is for you!

What is wrong with the delicate
dance of beautification, flattery,
and flirtation? What, I ask?
If it makes a situation more fun,
keep it up! That is called mood-
making! Come on! Buy this item!

What is wrong with the delicate
dance of beautification, flattery,
and flirtation? What, I ask?
If it makes life more fun, keep it
up! Come on! Buy yours today!

Come rain, wind or typhoon, this
item will always support the
singer deep inside your soul.
It is a lovely instant dance stage.
How about taking one on tour
with you, star of rock?

Come rain, wind, or typhoon, this
stage will always support the
hidden singer deep in your soul.
It is a lovely instant dance
stage. How about taking one on
tour with you, star of rock?

Let your imagination have its
way and create the largest of all
living beings in your head!

Let your imagination run wild and
create the largest of all living
beings in your head!

Be satisfied with the outer shell
of this item! It is more endearing
since you can't see what's inside.
Not being able to open it makes
it all the more nice and special.
...In reality, it is empty!

Be satisfied with the decorative
outer shell of this rectangle! It
is more endearing since you
can't see what's inside. Not
being able to open it makes it all
the more special.
...In reality, it is empty!

It is a temporary spectacle
compared to eternity's children.
And yet that is WHY it is art!
Machines like me are incapable
of comprehending this...

It is a temporary spectacle
compared to the glory of
eternity. And yet that is WHY it
is art! Machines like me are
incapable of comprehending
this...

No danger, no matter how small,
dodges the notice of this never-
fail, peace-of-mind alarm system.
In fact, it will warn you of danger
that is not even present!

No danger, no matter how small,
dodges the notice of this never-
fail, peace-of-mind alarm
system. In fact, it will warn you
of danger that is not even
present!

Feel these mysterious patterns...
Does your heart open? Only the
pure of heart can truly know this
mystic circle's power.

Feel these mysterious
patterns... Does your heart
open? Only the pure of heart can
truly know this mystic circle's
power.

This will solve any problem,
given enough time! The selling
point of this computer is its grit.

This will solve any problem,
given enough time! This CPU's
true processing grit sells itself.

This will surely be a hit on
Hocotate. Why not be the creator
of a new trend?

This will surely be a hit on
Hocotate. Why not be the
creator of a new trend?

Gravitational, electromagnetic,
centripetal, dynamic, centrifugal...
More powerful than any of the
myriad forces of physics is this:
the largest, strongest, fastest,
coolest flywheel of all time!
It is so powerful as to be
immeasurable, so there is no
way to confirm its potential.

Gravitational, electromagnetic,
centripetal, dynamic,
centrifugal... More powerful
than any of the myriad forces of
physics is this: the largest,
strongest, fastest, coolest
flywheel of all time! It is so
powerful as to be immeasurable,
so there is no way to confirm its
astounding potential.

It is certainly unattractive, but
which do you value more: fashion
or safety?

It is certainly unattractive, but
which do you value more: fashion
or personal safety?

This item, though rough, is a
perfect support belt for fathers!

This item, though rough, is a
perfect back brace for fathers!

This deep crimson stone is said
to reflect humanoid souls and
indicate strong emotions.

This crimson stone is said
to reflect the contents of the
soul and detect strong emotions.

Merely gazing at this will make
girlfriends feel like the queens
of the galaxy and boyfriends
feel like the kings of debt. Fit
for the ruler of the universe, this
is the ultimate giant diamond.

This scintillating jewel will make
girlfriends feel like queens
of the galaxy and boyfriends
feel like kings of debt. Fit
for the ruler of the universe, it is
the ultimate giant diamond.

Like a forlorn heart during the
rainy season, this sapphire is
lovely but tinged with sadness.

Like a forlorn heart during the
rainy season, this sapphire is
lovely...but tinged with
sadness.

Long ago, evil forces clashed
with those of justice...and the
evil was locked up in a stone.
This is that stone. (Am I evil for
making up such a tale? Justice,
please look the other way!)

Long ago, evil forces clashed
with the forces of justice...
The evil was defeated and locked
away in this stone.
(Am I evil for making up such a
tale? Justice, please look the
other way!)

All anger and unrelieved stress
are washed away by the glory of
this symbol of universal love.

Wash away all your stress and
angst with the glory of this
enduring symbol of love.

Stones, soil, and the stars
themselves overflow with delight
for this symbol of galactic love.

Stones, soil, and the stars
themselves radiate with delight
for this symbol of galactic
desire.

Those who view its green twinkle
become filled with great
hopes and expectations.
However, this rewards neither.
This artistic sham is only
for short-lived happiness.

Those who view this gem's green
twinkle become filled with great
hopes and expectations.
However, it rewards neither.
This artistic sham only
provides short-lived happiness.

A communications monitor found
on an uncivilized planet! Sadly,
it is broken and does not work.
As such, its purpose cannot be
confirmed. Yet...that only
heightens its irresistable appeal.
Reality...or misperception? Either
way, you should buy it.

This communications monitor was
found on an uncivilized planet!
Sadly, it is broken and does not
work. As such, its purpose
cannot be confirmed. Yet...that
only heightens its irresistible
appeal. Reality...or
misperception? Either way,
you should buy it!

This creature holds the greatest
concentration of knowledge in all
of the known universe.
However, due to its reclusive
personality, it pretends to be a
mere pebble.

This creature holds the greatest
concentration of knowledge in all
of the known universe. However,
due to its reclusive personality,
it pretends to be a mere pebble.

...But, due to its shyness, it will
never speak of that love.

...However, due to its shyness,
it will never speak of that love.

This crystal is enpowered with
psychokinetic abilities.

This crystal is empowered with
psychokinetic abilities.

This shape... Though the mind
forgets, the heart remembers. All
sentient life-forms must recall
the love of their mothers!

This shape... Though the mind
forgets, the heart remembers.
All sentient life-forms must
recall the love of their mothers!

1 hour... 2 hours...
I am...feeling...drowsy.
Energy saving...mode...initiated...

One hour... Two hours...
I am...feeling...drowsy...
Energy-saving...mode...initiated

Just an ordinary spring? Hardly!
It is a high-speed thrill-ride
tested by one of our employees!
Jump aboard for a ride so fast,
it'll make you see other worlds!

Just an ordinary spring? Hardly!
This is a high-speed thrill ride
tested by one of our employees!
Jump aboard for a ride so fast,
it'll make you see other worlds!

This will exhilirate your soul like
magical popcorn! KA-BOOOOOM!

This will exhilarate your soul like
magical popcorn! KA-BOOOOOM!

An apocalyptic weapon made of
super-heavy, gravity-compressed
materials of unknown origin.
The fact that its great weight
makes it uncontrollable is, at
times, a mild detriment.

An apocalyptic weapon made of
super-heavy, gravity-
compressed materials of
unknown origin. The fact that its
great weight makes it
uncontrollable is, at times, a mild
detriment.

For those who hail subordinates
and send them into the unknown...
Only these few will appreciate
this fine, distinctive stone...
(Did I just describe myself?)

For those who hail subordinates
and send them into the
unknown... Only these few will
appreciate this fine, distinctive
stone...
(Did I just describe myself?)

Proof of megalithic civilization!

Proof of a megalithic civilization!

This odd rock is completely filled
with nostalgia. None can dispute
the magical powers of this stone.
Can the day when this rock rules
the entire universe be far away?

This odd rock is completely filled
with nostalgia. None can dispute
the magical powers of this
stone. Can the day when this
rock rules the entire universe be
far away?

All worldy matters, from time's
start to its end, are said to be
recorded in this historical vault!

All worldly matters, from time's
start to its end, are said to be
recorded in this historical vault!

According to my measurements,
almost no energy should remain
within...yet it keeps on flowing.

According to my measurements,
almost no energy should remain
within...yet some does.

This calls out to be opened,
peeked inside, tasted.

This calls out to be opened,
peeked inside, and tasted.

A taste of knowledge from a
savage world, this container
held the juice of a primitive fruit!

A taste of knowledge from a
foreign world, this container
holds juices of a primitive fruit!

It is indispensible!

It is indispensable!

Natural beauty fills this design,
and merely viewing it incites a
riotous appetite.

Natural beauty fills this design,
and merely viewing it incites a
riotous thirst.

Behold the overwhelming power
of monotone yellow! Spiciness
fills both the eyes and mouth.
Irresistable!

Behold the overwhelming power
of monochrome yellow! Spiciness
fills both the eyes and mouth.
Irresistible!

Once glance and you will sit for
hours trying to decipher the
ultimate purpose of this item.

One glance and you will sit for
hours trying to decipher the
ultimate purpose of this item.

Choose your own happiness. Find
the good things in each day.

Choose your own happiness.
Find the good things in each day.

Give in to your primal feelings
and drink to your heart's content.
Gaze upon this design and your
throat will ache for satisfaction.
Why is that? Tell me, please!

Give in to your primal feelings
and drink to your heart's
content. Gaze upon this design
and your throat will ache for
satisfaction. Why is that?
Tell me, please!

In a burst of flame, a steel fist
flies and smashes its target to
bits...but the recoil is severe.
(Captain Olimar suffers from
shoulder pain, so he uses it
without the rocket booster.)

In a plume of flame, this steel
fist flies and smashes its target
to bits...but the recoil is
severe. (Captain Olimar suffers
from shoulder pain, so he uses it
without the rocket booster.)

A tanning machine based on
primitive science principles.
Come, you pallid recluses and
sun-starved hermits! You, too,
can have healthy, stylish tans!

This tanning machine is based on
primitive science principles.
Come, you pallid recluses and
sun-starved hermits! You, too,
can have a healthy, stylish glow!

You have nothing to fear! But...
Due to horrid ventilation, this
is not suited to sweaty beings.

You have nothing to fear!
(Due to horrid ventilation, this
is not suited to sweaty beings.)

This non-conductive fabric has
many uses: I have discovered
it can even erase pencil marks.
It is dream material! But the more
it is used, the more it crumbles.
The same is true of dreams.

This nonconductive substance
has many uses: I have discovered
it can even erase pencil marks.
It is a dream material! But the
more it is used, the more it
crumbles. The same is true of
dreams.

What, you ask? Whatever this
suit is fortified by, that is
what. I cannot believe there is
better material than what I am
made of...

What, you ask? Whatever this
suit is fortified by, that is
what. I cannot believe there is
a better material than what I am
constructed of...

Your voice is weak. It does not
carry. No one notices you. If this
is true, then this item is for you!
Starting today, you are a gym
teacher!

Your voice is weak. It does not
carry. No one notices you. If
this is true, then this item is for
you! Starting today, you are a
gym teacher!

Noisier than a spaceship, this
wonderful item will make your
solitary life 120% more exciting.

Noisier than a spaceship, this
wonderful item will make your
miserable life 120 percent more
exciting.

This shape... I have encountered
it somewhere before... No, I must
be mistaken... Yes, I am mistaken.
Thoughts like these strike all
who see this cabalistic form.
You can feel its immense power!

This shape... I have encountered
it somewhere before... No, I
must be mistaken... Yes, I am
mistaken. Thoughts like these
strike all who see this cabalistic
form. You can feel its immense
power!

One warning, however: It does
render the user unconcious.

One warning, however: it does
render the user unconscious.

Crafted with an eye for safety,
it is the funniest weapon ever!

Crafted with an eye for safety,
it is the funniest weapon ever
devised!

A new employee of Hocotate
Freight. He is always silent, and
none know what he is thinking.
He appears to operate on the
same wavelength as insects,
however, with dangerous results.
After he was entrapped, he
somehow managed to hijack an
insect's brain!

A new employee of Hocotate
Freight, Louie is often silent.
Nobody knows what thoughts
lurk in his mind. He appears to
operate on the same wavelength
as insects, often with dangerous
results. After he was kidnapped,
he somehow managed to hijack
a colossal insect's brain!